tomlilly79

I open the pill drawer I find the oxys I grab a handful I think "Is this selfish?" No Selfishness is the continuation of life that drains from others My turn to play God My turn to decide "what's good for me" Swallow I wait for it to kick in I turn on my favorite movie That should be good enough for my last words Regret begins I go to the toilet Stick my finger down my throat I only keep gagging Not enough I finally vomit But is it really brave that i didn't end it then Maybe courage is really deciding when enough is enough

We sit in a photo booth We laugh We smile God, why can’t this last a while longer I look over She’s in my favorite hoodie Wearing that gray beanie I kiss her cheek It makes me think Will she always be here?

This house is as empty as it is full I feel for my heart but I feel a hole Where’d it go? Probably with her She took everything. It feels like a blur I wish I could fix everything with a word But I can’t fix the hurt Now I’m left empty Nothing is in me Except for the hate I have created In order to become what I am now, hated

I try to remember her eyes Nothing They used to mean everything But now it’s just a distant memory I wonder what she thinks of me Or if she thinks of me Probably not

You say that what you want is something you will never find You lay your head on my shoulder and I don’t mind I breathe in deep and love your scent And you ask if I knew what you meant I shake my head and then you sigh “I just want a good guy.” Has it ever occurred to you, maybe Your head is on his shoulder, baby I don’t want to be your best friend When I’m with you I feel my heart beat again Has it ever occurred to you that I Could be your good guy? Here you come again with tears in your eyes ‘Cause of something he said, it’s no surprise You fall into my arms and I let you cry “Where the hel

I'm sorry for the disappointment. I'm sorry that you think I'm cheap, and gross. I'm sorry I'm not the perfect little girl that you always dreamed of. But shouldn't you be happy? Shouldn't you be grateful that I'm not miserable and hating myself? Shouldn't you be excited that this isn't just a repeat? So I'm sorry for the mess I've created, but if you stop yelling long enough I'll clean it up. I'm sorry I couldn't make you happy, and bring pride to the family like you wanted. I'm sorry my choices aren't the ones you wanted me to make.

They say I’m beautiful Because of the way my crystalline heart reflects light off its fractured surface Well, that isn't a reflection It’s rejection of the light because it’s all too much to handle Throw myself away into the dark without even a candle ‘Cause I don’t want to recognize all the pain I’m in Or realize the truth behind what I am or who I've been And I tried to make things right but I just keep on making wrong I never listened to the angel on my shoulder when she called I count my tears like they’re experience And my scars like they’re mysterious And that’s a feeling I’ll

my sister used to tell me, “Life is a journey without a finish line. Some may fall by the wayside, but get up and keep on trying.” on the good days, i can be twelve again and crouched outside her door and hear her asking God to give her a sign that he was listening, goddammit, anything. on the bad days, i can look back and i still won’t be able to tell you when she lost her faith in everything. the thing about suicide is that people can tell you they love you and they can tell you that they’d miss you, but suicide is selfish. no one can talk down a bomb. they just have to let it explode and deal with the aftermath.

suicide survivors eat stale chips and sour milk. this is a fact. we all think we're past our expiration date.